A few weeks ago, The Wall Street Journal ran an excerpt from Amy Chua’s book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother in the article entitled “Why Chinese Mothers are Superior.” In it Chua discusses what it is to be a “Tiger Mother” as a Chinese-American and to provide strict discipline to her children. She explains that while raising her children she never allowed them to have playdates, watch TV, or be in a school play. Her uncompromising parenting techniques that include even name-calling are setting Western readers abuzz with controversy. Over the next week or so I received countless emails from friends and family forwarding me the article and asking me time and time again, “Are Chinese mothers really like that? Is that really how Chinese parents treat their children?” If you also live in China, you may have experienced the same thing and like me, you may have struggled to come up with a fair and accurate answer. The reality of Chinese parenting is not nearly as cut and dry as Chua describes it; social class, the educational system, traditional versus modern attitudes, as well as other factors all play a role in defining “Chinese parenting.”

There are certainly kernels of truth however in what Chua describes as Chinese parenting – a strict approach that leaves little room for social interactions, where the parent dictates the child’s every move, where shame and name-calling are acceptable ways of “motivating” a child. In feudal China indeed parent-child relationships were condemned by Confucian principals which stated that a child should obey his parents just as a wife should obey her husband and a man should obey his emperor. These rules were supposed to keep order in society and at home, by which everyone knew his place in the hierarchy. Children were at the bottom of the societal ladder which afforded them little say in much of anything. Children were to do as they were told and not embarrass their families. What they wanted mattered little. Obedience was considered crucial in a child and the concept of filial piety played a huge role in family relationships. Children owed their lives to their parents and everything they did centered around the idea that somehow, this debt must be repaid, either in this life or the next. Parents were to be honored and obeyed while living and worshipped as ancestors once they were dead. Disappointing one’s parents was, and to some degree still remains, one of the worst sins a Chinese son or daughter could commit.

Fast forward a hundred years and Chinese parenting has obviously changed with the times, but to what degree, and how so? For starters, the one-child policy created what came to be known as the generation of “Little Emperors,” only children fussed over and coddled and spoiled and never having to share attention. Is it possible to be a little emperor to a tiger mother? The fact is no matter how many children a family has, childhood in China is a time of immense pressure, and that pressure only intensifies if you’re the only child in the family, their only hope for the future. The Chinese school system revolves around an examination system that pits children – and parents – against one another, with hundreds or even thousand of children competing for coveted spots at key schools. Chinese parents, as much as they may spoil their children, feel this pressure too. A harsh reality for children in China is that if they are not good enough at the mandated subjects then there are very little alternative avenues. While Western education encourages individualism and aims to nurture each child’s unique talents, in the Chinese educational system you either pass or fail the standardized tests that determine your future. Such a system encourages strict parenting methods. Parents literally cannot afford for their children to fail. There are very few ways of forcing a child to do something he is not good at or doesn’t want to do, and Chinese parents often fall back on shaming and name-calling because gentler methods are better suited to a more flexible system.

It goes without saying though, that not all Chinese children can be the best. When Amy Chua stated in her article that Chinese mothers expect nothing less than top of the class for their children, many asked, well what about the rest of the kids in Chinese classes? Are they all simply failures? The fact of the matter is that of course not everyone can be at the top of their class, and for those students that are not as gifted, or who lack the opportunities of others, no amount of shame or pressure can push them to the top. So what happens to these kids? Sometimes they simply give up. In China, school is only compulsory until the 9th grade, after which students must place into high schools or vocational schools in order to continue their education. In America, Amy Chua’s students, had they been underachievers, would have been afforded opportunities to complete high school no matter what, but this is not the case in China. Many students who can not keep up with the pack simply do not try to continue on with school. For those who do manage to place into a high school, the pressure often becomes too intense. The suicide rates in China are amongst the world’s highest, despite a strong social stigma against suicide, and over 20% of high school students in China say they have strongly considered suicide at some point in their short lives. Pressure from parents and from society does not always produce excellent results, and often can result in tragedy.

Interestingly enough, while there has been some backlash against modern Western parenting, against the idea that parenting should be child-centered, against the ideals of gentle discipline and “attachment parenting,” parenting in modern China is actually moving away from the stricter methods of the past and towards a gentler, more child-centered approach. Many Chinese parents are realizing that while traditional methods may produce children who are good at school, they do not always produce happy fulfilled adults. Modern Chinese parents want their children to be innovative thinkers rather than rote learners, they want to promote independence and creativity rather than by the rules and by the book automatons. Parenting books written by Chinese and Western authors alike have been major bestsellers in China, including titles such as The Education of Love and A Good Mother is Better than a Good Teacher, and What’s Lacking in Chinese Home Education. These books all focus on Western parenting methods and child-centered education and parenting. Many Chinese parents want their children to be competitive on the world stage, which means more than getting good grades or having perfect technique on the piano. Technique can be drilled, can be taught, can be forced into an unwilling child, but you cannot force a child to become a Mozart. Likewise, while you may shame a child into getting “A’s” in Biology, that child will not become a Nobel Prize winner if he lacks passion for the subject. The lesson that modern Chinese parents are eager to embrace should be one that the West should not be too quick to forget – greatness comes not from memorization or high test scores, but from a passion for learning.

Related links
The Home Front: Chinese Mother-In-Law Nightmares
Attitudes Toward Beauty, East and West: A Chinese Blogger’s Perspective
Dreading Your Wedding: Chinese Women and the Pressure to Marry

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Keywords: real tiger mothers tiger mothers in china Amy Chua Chinese parenting Amy Chua tiger mother